Coming Back

The best way I can describe the aftermath of cancer treatment is like a house that got hit by a tornado. We survived the storm, but now we are looking at huge mess that has to be sorted and cleaned up. Picking up the pieces takes a long time. There are lots of layers of junk to sort through and we have to carefully choose what to rescue first.

One of the most difficult things to recover has been our marriage. For the past year, we have evolved from husband/wife to caregiver/patient. We are trying to slowly to move back to normal. However, it is quite challenging because, in many ways, I am still the patient and he the caregiver. But, Paul has had to get used to me being bossy and demanding again after a long time of me having no opinion about anything. (Read between the lines here. How would that situation play out at your house? Quiet, calm and peaceful or with a few heated discussions?)

I continue to march (ok, inch) my way to health. Paul told me the other day he though I was functioning at about 60%. At first, that made me upset, then I remembered that in January I was at basically zero and I almost made it back to zero again in April. After that, 60% sounded like a pretty good number.

I have seen several signs of definite progress. Just in the last three weeks or so I have begun to do non-essential item around the house. I have been cleaning my school room and sorting through closets. Andrew manged to grow about 8 inches this year, so there are plenty of closets to be sorted. Now, my progress is maddeningly slow, as I still have to do several hours of resting a day, but I am no longer struggling to manage the day to day activities of running the house. Also, the other day I was talking to my friend Diane on the phone when I started yelling at...no, loving correcting my kids. After I finished, Diane yelled, "You're back!" She said that was the first time I was calm and firm and didn't just say I would worry about it later. Hmmm, that is a good sign.

Although I am seeing progress, my body still reminds me to stay humble whenever I push too hard. Yesterday, I did not adhere to my napping schedule and was not able to sleep in the afternoon. This required me to come home and crawl in be at 7:30. My biggest challenge remains not getting upset when this happens and just going with it in order to feel better.

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15