Ick

After the best chemo Saturday ever, I had the worst Sunday. For the first time, I started throwing up and feeling unbearably nauseous. This was new and completely frustrating. I spent most of the day Sunday curled into some version of fetal position just to ease my aching gut. Strangely, the thing that really seems to ease my symptoms is to eat. Taking the first bite of anything when you are nauseous is fabulously hard to do. The nausea lessened, but continued for most of the day on Monday. It seems to be a little better today.

Due to the nausea, I had to miss my Bible Study meeting on Monday morning. This was the first time I had to skip something I was committed to because I was just too sick and unable to go. So there I was sick, depressed and mad. I woke up Monday sicking out my lip and shaking my fist at God. This was actually the first time since I have had cancer that I have been truly mad at God. I was angry and really didn't want to get over it.

Right now I have to tell you that if you don't have one or two (or twenty) friends who will look you in the eye, tell you they are sorry for you, and then directly and immediately tell you to quit focusing on your own self and point your gaze back to God, you need to get some. Tomorrow you might need them. My women called, my women e-mailed. I bristled at it. I didn't really want to hear it. But, it went in. By Monday evening, I was no longer mad and shaking my fist. My heart was right and I was again in the position of feeling grateful to God for what He gives to me. I am assured that He has a purpose for everything in my life, even keeping me home on a Monday morning with a stomach ache.

This week my plan is to rest and heal (Yes, Mom I listened!). Mom has taken the boys home with her for the week. You should have seen the huge grins on their faces this morning as they headed for the airport. The only possible way to improve their trip would be if they could have packed the dog in their suitcase to go with them. I am certain that in the minds of my boys heaven is an exact replica of Mom and Dad's farm in Missouri.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and your prayers.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

Encouragment

Chemo went pretty well yesterday. It is an odd feeling to walk into the doctor's office feeling good and walk out feeling groggy, nauseous and generally just bad. Isn't that supposed to to be the other way around? The doctor is supposed to make you feel better, right?

We got there yesterday and had an extraordinarily long wait to see the doctor (2 1/2 hours). I am generally pretty patient until about an hour after my appointment time. Paul is a very good man to sit there and put up with me while I get impatient and antsy. My sweet friend Beverly came to the office to drop off some goodies and stayed to chat and pray with me for few minutes. Thanks, Beverly. That made the end of the wait time go much faster so I was not crabby and antsy when the it was finally our turn to see the doctor.

Once we finally saw the doctor, it was a very encouraging visit. I only have to do this kind of chemo one more time (October 16). Starting in November, I will switch to a new drug that is administered every week for 12 weeks. According to the doctor, and verified by chemo nurse, the next kind will be a "snap". The nurse said I could expect to sleep the day of chemo and then wake up the next day and be fine. Let's all pray they are right.

Also every time before, when I had chemo I was given a steroid that kept me awake and slightly wired most of the weekend. When I informed the doctor about this, he removed the steroid from my package of drugs. I was almost giddy with the news and very much looking forward to sleeping this weekend. What I didn't realize was that the choice was to be wired all of the time, or to be sleepy all of the time. Still, I think I prefer being able to rest peacefully now since I really need it, even if it means dozing off in the middle of a conversation.

Today I was also encouraged by an attitude adjustment I receive via Mom and my friend Elissa. Elissa asked how I was doing today and I responded I felt like I had been run over by a truck. She said, "Better to feel like you were run over by an truck than to actually be run over by a truck." Good point, I hadn't actually thought of it that way before. Then Mom said, "I guess that is a lesson in being thankful in all circumstances." Yes, it is. Thanks for pointing it out ladies. Today as I am sitting here with all sleepy and achy with a belly ache, I am repeatedly thinking how thankful I am that I did not really get hit by a truck.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Here We Go Again

This week was much better than last. On Sunday, I woke up feeling pretty good and that has continued for most of the week. Thank you all of you who called and sent notes and beautiful flowers this week. I really needed the boost.

Chemo tomorrow again...sigh. I realized today that I am half way through my first set of chemo. The first 12 weeks is one kind and the second 12 weeks is a different kind. Saying half way through the first part is a lot less depressing than saying, "Two down, 14 to go!" This way at least I feel like I have accomplished something.

I am feeling pretty good tonight. I can kind of ignore the whole chemo thing looming ahead until we finish school on Thursday. Then, I start getting pretty anxious. Sort of like getting tight the night before a big game. I start running around in a flurry of activity trying to get everything done and not thinking about tomorrow.

The good news about tonight is that right now I am very calm. No, not because I am up past any self-respecting chemo girl's bedtime. I am calm because I had the opportunity to have two incredible women pray with me tonight, one on the phone and one at my kitchen table. I feel like my whole day tomorrow, every detail, has been covered in prayer and it is now in God's very capable hands.

Surprisingly, the most difficult thing for me right now is not the anticipation of the pain (there is a little) or discomfort. The most difficult thing for me to deal with is the knowledge that I will pretty much check out of life for the next 2-3 days and only be functional part of the time for a few days after that. I just don't want to miss any part of my life and it pains me to know that this weekend I will sit in a chair and watch the world go by most of the time. This is a reminder to me that I should be careful to use the rest of my time very wisely because it is a precious gift that can be taken away. I guess that is a reminder for all of you too.

On that note, good night. Much love, Cara

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Tough Week

I entered this week hopeful that I would have a great, energetic week like the last time I had chemo. It was just not to be. Maybe I was trying to do too much, but I spent the week just being tired. The best comparison I can make to this how you feel after you bring a new baby home. You immediately become sleep deprived and tired all of the time, but you just keep on going even though you feel gross. That exactly describes my condition right now. I am not sure if it is caused by the surging hormones or by the cumulative toxicity of the chemo catching me, but either way it stinks.


I had another strange thing happen this week. I started feeling dizzy and like I was going to pass out at strange times. At the urging of my wise friend, I called the doctor. He was completely unconcerned about this and prescribed me some medicine to stabilize my inner ear. Right now you are thinking inner ear, huh? Yep, I guess this is not uncommon especially among women. Apparently, there are hair follicles in there. All of my hair follicles are irritated by the chemo, but when the set in the inner ear gets irrigated, it causes trouble with balance and dizziness. Another who knew?


I am hopeful now the mystery dizziness is solved that maybe my hormones will calm down and I can have a good week to come. I have chemo again next Friday. Mom will come back on Wednesday (hooray!) and then take the kids back to Missouri with her the following week. They are ready for a little vacation from their crabby mom and maybe I can catch up on my sleep with them gone. Really think that will happen???


I am so thankful we are homeschooling right now. It is really hard for me to keep up with the kids, but it also gives me a reason to slither out of bed in the morning. Also, since they are not in school, they are not bringing me home all kinds of germs every day. We do most of our work in the morning, and since they don't have homework, in the evening when I am really tired we don't have to argue about homework - oh, I mean I don't have to gently request of my children to obediently sit down and do their homework. In addition, we have the flexibly to send them to Grandma and Grandpa's for a week to give us all a break from the intensity of our life.

We hope all of you are having and great week and you fellow Texans are enjoying this amazing weather. Love to you all.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.' " Jeremiah 29:11-12

Roller Coaster

First, we had a bit a personal tragedy this weekend. Ben's pet leopard gecko, James Bond, passed away. I have to commend my husband. He planned and executed a very nice funeral service for Ben's beloved lizard. This was really a big event for the kids; James was the first pet they were attached to that has died. Also, it brought all kinds of emotions and fears about death and sickness to the surface for them. They handled it pretty well and even discussed the merits of lizards in heaven with each other. God made lizards here, so why wouldn't He have them in heaven?

I have had a bit of rough week. On Wednesday after my chemo I woke up feeling fine, as I expected. What I didn't expect was to walk full force into menopause that same day. Mood swings, hot flashes, anger, insomnia, I have it all. The only thing to do right now is ride it out, as medication to replace hormones that we are trying to suppress to kill cancer is clearly not an option. Right now you should stop and pray for my family. Just kidding.

Putting a name and face on the monster really helped and I am better able to deal with it now that I recognize what my problem actually is. However, last week I was a mess. I was generally unable to just deal with my life for a few days. Any little thing sent me spiraling over the edge. A couple of things help me through the week. Mom preformed like a champion. She stepped right in and took over anytime I had to walk away. She taught school, cooked, cleaned, ran the boys around, and carefully held our hands and counseled us. I don't know what we would have done with out her. (Dad you had better get used to doing you own laundry, because we love having her here.) In addition, several of my girl friends (you know who you are) pulled the ranks in tight and called, texted, prayed and called some more just to make sure I was ok and not a puddle of goo. Also, I got a couple of amazing cards and gifts in the mail that were truly touching and encouraging. I could not walk through this without all of those hands holding me up.

So this week is starting a little better. I am still HOT and still a little angry (but at least I know why). Mom is going to go home tomorrow. I am a little anxious about this. Weird, I know. I thought at this point I might be shoving her out the door, but I really want her to stay forever.

Please pray that I am able to manage things at home without Mom by my side, that the new symptoms of menopause reduce and are manageable, that I will have much patience with the kids, and they will have cooperative hearts to help me along. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can see the results of the prayers everywhere.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Chemo Round 2

Chemo today went very well. Started the day with a little hiccup when I almost passed out as they accessed my port. Thankfully, the nurse correctly identified the look on my face and quickly put my head between my knees. After that, things went beautifully. I sat for my popsicle (actually ice chips this time) and then took a huge nap. Paul even had the chance to visit with a friend of ours who was there getting a treated for something else at the same time.

I feel very good. No nausea, although I am staying out of the kitchen while there is cooking. This is going to sound weird, but I am really energized and a little groggy from the Benedryl at the same time. I think I am just excited that I don't feel gross. I have to go get my shot tomorrow, but so far it is doing its job and keeping my white blood cell count high and healthy.

All I can say about this result is Yea God! Thanks for praying.

"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do!" Psalm 73:28

I am a Bald Girl Now

A few more thoughts about being bald.
* It no longer matters what I wear, or even if my clothes match; people are only looking at my hat.
*The wind feels weird when it hits your head.
*The skin under your hair is really soft, like baby skin and very white.
*It is surprising to touch your head and feel the temperature of your hand.
*Even if you have on a hat, everyone secretly wants a peek at your bald head.
*There is a strange wrinkle on your neck at the base of your head.
*As a bonus, my armpit hair and leg hair is falling out. No more shaving; Yeah!
My dad has added himself to the ranks of baldies in my honor. If you are keeping score that is two men, two boys, and one woman who is an honorary baldy. She made a serious offer to go bald with me, but I just couldn't let her. I love you all for standing with me in this way.

One thing I have learned in this journey is that everyone has their own gift. Each person is able to support me in their own unique way. All of this support comes together to surround me in a cocoon of love. When someone takes care of me, or goes out of their way to show me love, all I see are the hands of Jesus. This is truly the body of Christ in action.

Tomorrow is chemo number two. I am praying that it will go even better than number one. After this, it is two down, fourteen to go. I am doing pretty well. I ran around and got a lot done today to get ready for next week. I even made it until about four PM before I started to get a little anxious. Trying to pray that out too. I am trying to focus on the good things like the Popsicle and the big bag of Benadryl that will allow me to take a great nap.

Please keep praying that the chemo is effective at eradicating the cancer and only the cancer, that the side effects are minimal, and that my energy will be quickly restored. Also, please pray protection from additional illness for all of us in the house. A case of the flu could really be trouble for me now. Pray for Paul, Mom and the kids to handle the extra burden that is placed on them while I am feeling bad. Pray that God will eradicate all of our fears and we will cling ever tighter to Him. Thanks for joining us. We love you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phililppians 4:6-7