Merry Christmas

The only Christmas cards in our house this year are the ones that come from our mailbox. So I am hoping and praying that you are having a joyful and peaceful week celebrating the birth of our Savior. Thanks for your love, prayers and support this year. To our family in Missouri, we missed seeing you all. To our surrogate family here in San Antonio, thanks for having us.

On a practical matter, please pray that my chemo is smooth on Thursday, particularly the accessing of my medi-port. During the last two chemos, the nurse has had problems getting the needle in the right place. This resulted in multiple pokes and a large uncomfortable bruise on my chest. This is an experience I really do not wish to repeat. Thanks for praying.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

"For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Price of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

Timing

Life move much slower for me now. Everything I do is slow. I talk slow, walk slow and think slow. It is quite frustrating, but I keep telling myself it is just temporary.

In addition to being slow, I have trouble getting things done because I am in bed sleeping or just resting at least 14 hours a day. Every day. My schedule is pretty much the same as a two year old. I absolutely can not make it through he day without my nap and I seldom see 10 PM. Paul says I just don't get done as much as I used to. I say I am still accomplishing very much - it is called HEALING!

One thing that I find extremely interesting is that all of the effects of chemo happen on a schedule. I can time the event down almost to the minute. I know that I will feel better on Friday after chemo at about 7 PM. My back starts to hurt every Sunday during church and hurts until Tuesday at bedtime. My chemo nurse told me to write down what was happening so I could predict it. Boy, was she right about that one.

One more note about my hormones. This week, the doctor gave me a shot that he said would help with the hot flashes that are keeping me up at night. When he told me he could do that, I almost kissed him. (Didn't want you think I was always angry at him.) Turns out that the drug was the same shot they use as quarterly birth control. Interesting that it is a multipurpose medication. Who figures these things out?

I will continue to have chemo over the holidays. Since the next two Fridays are Christmas and New Year's Day, I will have chemo on Thursday for two weeks. This is a much better option than checking to the hospital to have chemo on Christmas. Chemo at the hospital was fine; it went very smoothly. However, it was majorly depressing. The other patients in there were really, really sick and fighting for their lives. I almost felt guilty for hogging up space in one of the chairs. I am very thankful that I do not have to repeat that experience on Christmas.

"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow is keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9

Girl Stuff

I have tried to write this entry at least three times now and keep getting interrupted. I am determined to finish this time. (We'll see.)

We had a great visit with our family last week. It was such fun to have time just to sit and talk and play games with the kids. It was a real treat to be able to get spend time with my niece and nephews and get to know them again. They change so much between visits, sometimes they are like different people by the time I see them again. Chris and Michelle we like you too, but you don't change that much. (Thanks for coming guys. We love you!)

**Warning *** The following may be considered way too much information about girls stuff for many of you. Consider yourself warned and feel free to skip ahead to the end. ****

I started last week TIRED. I spent most of the day Monday and Tuesday in bed. When I wasn't in bed, I was sitting in a chair or laying (lying - who knows? I am too lazy to look this one up!) on the floor doing nothing else. Wednesday, I pretended to be feeling OK, mostly so that Mom would go home without being worried about me, however I could have spent Wednesday in bed too if I had the chance. (Sorry, Mom. We both know you needed to go home. Can't wait for you to come back next week.) This extreme tiredness was completely frustrating. Wednesday evening, the source of the exhaustion was revealed when I got my period. I normally am a little wiped out for a few days right before I start and I can identify the reason by looking at the calendar. This tiredness really took me by surprise as it had been just two weeks since my last period. Oh, the joy of chemical induced menopause.


The incredible hormone surges I have as a result of the menopause are a tricky thing. Hot flashes, although constant and annoying, are the least of my problems. Last month, I had a normal month, then PMS descended in week three and stayed to visit until week six when I finally had my period. We were starting to think I had undergone a personality change and I was going to be depressed until the end of chemo. Thank you God it was just the crazy hormones and not something permanent. I can't wait to see what fun surprise my hormones bring next.

Also last week I had to go in for a follow-up mammogram. I was totally unprepared for how difficult this was going to be for me. The second I set my foot in the door, I could feel my blood pressure rise and I started to breathe heavily. My body seemed to remember being poked, prodded, and indelicately told I had cancer in that place. I survived the mammogram, but then on the way out of the office, argued with Paul and burst into tears in the parking lot. I am hoping the next time I go into the mammogram place I will handle it just a little bit better.

OK, girl stuff over. This week I seem to be doing fine. I am working hard to listen to my body and rest when I need it. I am also trying very hard to give myself a mental break and not lay there going over my enormous "to do" list while I am supposed to be resting. I am having only limited success with this. As always, I am a work in progress.

"In the same way, the Spirit help us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all have a great week and are able to celebrate the many blessings your lives. We are going to celebrate with my family. Mom and Dad are already here and tonight we are expecting the arrival of my brother and his family from Iowa. They are going to be with us for a week. They are taking a little vacation from the cold weather and we are taking a vacation from our intense life. It will be a rare treat for all of us to have time to spend together, as our visits with each other are frequently short and harried.

Speaking of harried... surprisingly, my hair has started to grow back. We thought it would fall out again once the new drug attacked it, but that does not seem to be the case. Right now, I am sporting a very short crew cut of baby fine hair. I am looking forward to the new hair that I am going to get. Kind of a "do over", no processing, no coloring, no damage, just real fresh hair. I am not looking forward to having to start shaving my legs again.

We are going to have an interesting time at chemo this week. My doctor's office is closed on Thursday and Friday, so I will have to go to the hospital and be admitted to have the chemo administered. I am praying that this will go smoothly and quickly (OK, quickly is a long shot, nothing in the hospital is ever done quickly).

I am fighting back pain several days a week with as a side effect of the chemo drug. The doctor prescribed for a me drug that did not work and then followed with a steroid that keeps me awake. I have chosen to fight the pain with lots of baths and yoga. Both of which work as well as the drugs and have the added benefit of helping me to sleep.

Praying that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We count your friendship and love among our blessings.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy." Philippians 1:3-4

Chemo Room

I took these pictures so the kids could see what happened when I had chemo, but so many of you have asked me about it so I put them up for you to see too. These will definitely not be going in the photo album.


This is me in chemo chair. It is a big open room and there are about four chairs in each area. I don't look too happy, but isn't my "picnic hat" cute?



This is my port at work.

Here I am wearing the cold gloves. I am zoning out listening to the awesome play list my friend Annette gave me for my I-pod. Thanks Annette, I am actually looking forward to listening some more tomorrow.

We get to do it all again tomorrow.

I saw the doctor today. He was very encouraging. I think he was more concerned about the last set of test results than he let on because now I don't have to see him again for four weeks instead of two. Hooray!!

I am handling the new meds pretty well. No major side effect except a few days of aching back. The doc gave me some new pain killers for that today, so now I'm all set. That prescription makes drug number 15 that I take regularly. Yikes!

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years my groaning my strength fails because of my affliction.... But I trust in you, O Lord, I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in you hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me." Psalm 31:9-10,14-15

My chemo went well on Friday. The actual administration of the drug was difficult due to the cold mittens and socks. My hand were freezing and I was miserable for about twenty minutes until they went numb, then thanks to that large dose of Benadryl, I was able to nap the rest of the time. Afterwards I was able to eat lunch (no nausea- yea!!) and then I took a big nap. I was pretty tired on Friday, but Saturday was able to run around like normal. This was much more tolerable than the last batch that knocked me flat for most of a week.

The only real effect I am feeling form this chemo is that I am so, so tired. I feel like I felt after Ben was born and he never, ever slept. I have just learned to function in that semi-tired, need a nap, mode all of the time. Truth is, I get plenty of naps and they only bring me back from can't more to very tired. Fatigue is, unfortunately, the one side effect of chemo that cannot be medicated.

We had another potential hiccup on Friday. The cancer marker number in my blood went drastically up in the results of my last blood test. I was at a normal level and, as of three weeks ago, am now significantly higher. This is a tricky number because it can mean good things (the chemo worked and some cancer cells were dropped into my blood), bad things (the cancer is growing somewhere in my body), or nothing (it is not a very reliable test). On Friday when I go in for my next chemo, we will be able to find out what the number was last week and talk to the doctor about what it means. We are praying for the number to go back down so we can assume good things were happening and the chemo is working.

Ben is picking out a game for us to play, so I'd better go do that.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

Birthdays and Bruises

Ben and I both celebrated a birthday this weekend. My was accompanied by all of the usual craziness (trick or treating and all). His was a little more tame than usual as I would not allow him to have a giant sleepover filling our house with all sorts of unwelcome germs from other boys. I am pretty certain this trauma will not require therapy when he is thirty, so I didn't lose any sleep over it. Thank you very much for all of the cards and birthday wishes.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most emotionally and spiritually challenging ones that I have ever had. I was flirting with depression and my soul felt like a dried up old prune that needed some water. In a really brilliant move, I tried to deal with all of this myself by turning inward and crying a lot. Needless to say, that didn't work too well. Only when I finally reached out to some people, confessed what was really going on in my heart, and earnestly asked for help and prayer did the heaviness lift. I will have to count that spiritual healing as yet another miracle graciously poured upon me by God.

The past few weeks while I was struggling were hard on the kids. When I am upset, they generally are too. Sometimes I can't even tell they are having trouble until they suddenly implode over what seems to be nothing. All in all, I think they are doing as well as could be expected. Still, we all sort of have the feeling of being a little bruised and beat up. Please pray for the boys to have amazing peace and to feel God's love surrounding them. (Pray that for Mom too. She has been bruised and battered right along with us.)

Tomorrow I start a new phase of treatment - twelve doses of Taxol in twelve weeks. Yep, you did the math right, that will take us through the holidays right to the end of January. I am trying hard to believe the doctor when he says that these treatment will be much easier than the last set. I am still a little skeptical. After tomorrow, at least I will know what to expect. I optimistically made plans for Saturday, so I hope I am able to follow through.

Interestingly, while this drug is administered I am going to get to wear cold mittens and socks. Remember the Popsicle? This is for the same reason. The Taxol is know to cause neuropathy - tingling in the hands and feet. Again they say USUALLY this goes away and is not permanent. Again I ask, USUALLY? Wearing the mittens and socks constricts the blood flow and does not allow the chemo drugs as much access to those areas, therefore reducing the side effects. Next week, I am sure I will have something interesting to say about that whole thing.

Thanks all of you who lifted us in prayer this week. God heard you and healed my spirit. My parched soul is singing again and I am able to approach tomorrow without fear.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Men and Women

Since I am feeling much better (and happier!) this week and have no fascinating cancer story to share with you, I though I would tell you a story about Ben. Last week his Bible cover ripped, so he asked for a new one. I produced what I thought was a perfectly acceptable brown leather one. The cover had no decoration, nothing but plain, brown leather. Ben said it was "too feminine". Of course, I did not quite understand that. Upon further questioning Ben declared, "Mom, you just have to be masculine to see the femininity in it." OK, he had me there. His new Bible cover is camouflage and so masculine even I can see the masculinity oozing from it.


"Train a child in the way he should go , and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

Adaptation

I am slowly but surely adapting to being a cancer patient. I have noticed a few changes in my behavior over the last few weeks. Although these things seem to be necessary for me to cope, I am not thrilled to find myself in this position. Here are several things I now do as a matter of habit:

1. I no longer look people in the eye when I am out on public. Not the sales clerk, not the waitress, not anybody. It is easier to look past them than to watch every single person check out my head and the give me "the look". A side note, some sweet people go past the look, complement me on my scarf and then ask how I am doing. This is a good thing to do for a cancer patient, much better than staring.

2. I have now arranged my schedule to include a nap every day. This is not a short lay down on the couch, but a two hour commitment. This is not an option. I need this nap to make it through the day. When I feel tired, I have to lay down. Mom says I give new meaning to the word "crash".

3. I find myself approaching my life with caution, hesitancy. I hate this one. I love to go at everything full force and with gusto. Right now, I step carefully and delicately to make sure I can make it through the day.

4. I can't do one of my favorite things anymore, read. I used to devour books constantly. Now I just don't have enough concentration and focus to follow the plot. Major frustrating. Also frustrating are the other verbal problems I am having including expressing myself, thinking of words (the other day I forgot cookie jar) and using correct grammar.

As I am sure you can tell by reading this, I am starting to battle a little bit of depression as well. Half way though the treatment does not seem to be far enough for me. I am anxious about what the next set of chemo will hold for me and how I will cope with it. I am also unhappy that I have adapted to the cancer. I want to have a strong, vibrant life and right now it is just not possible. I feel as if all I can do is endure and wait for things to get back to normal.

So what now? Pray for joy. Pray that I have peace about the days ahead. Pray for much patience for my husband who has to deal with a consistently crabby wife. Keep showering us with love; we need it so much.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooter and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" Ephesians 3:16-18

Half Way

We had a bit on an usual week. Ben, then Andrew, got some nasty stomach bug. Paul patiently cleaned up after the boys so, of course, he got it too. Thankfully, I never did. Also, in Missouri, Mom seemed to be suffering from the same thing. So, I had a few anxious moments wondering what I was going to do if both my caregivers were down. They both recovered quickly. Mom hopped on the plane and today they are both here ready to nurse me back to health.

After tomorrow, I will be half way done with my chemo. Tomorrow will be the last of the really bad drug cocktails. Usually at this point on Thursday, I am a bit of wreck. Today I am more calm than usual. I am ready to get this over with and keep moving forward.

Please keep on praying that the chemo is working. There is actually no way to tell. The doctor just whams me with enough medicine that he believes will kill the cancer but not so much that it will kill me first. After that, he declares me cured. That is some treatment plan, huh?

Thanks to all of you who sent cards, gifts, and food this this week. We are constantly overwhelmed to be blessed with such caring friends and neighbors.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Random Thoughts

My kiddos are making the long drive home from Missouri right now. I am ready for them to come home. All in all, the week was a total success. I got to rest. Paul and I spent some much needed time together. The kids, of course, has an incredible time at the farm. Mom got to be at home with Dad. Dad pronounced it "the best visit ever". How's that for a good week?

I was fighting with stomach issues all week and finally realized the problem was the iron pills the doctor wanted me to take. I took myself off the pills and now my stomach is lot happier.

I had a lot of time on my own to think this week. Here are a few of the things that occurred to me.

1. Estrogen deprivation (Remember this a good thing for my cancer. My cancer eats estrogen to live.) causes tons of annoying symptoms that I would have never suspected. The worst one for me is the loss of my verbal skills. I am having very much difficultly spelling, using correct grammar, recalling words, and even reading aloud. The hot flashes are no fun either!

2. Having my kids with me all day, everyday, is hard, but I think it keeps me out of a huge, depressive funk. I found myself wallowing in "poor me" much more than usual this week.

3. I am still amazed at God's excellent timing and provision for us. Whenever I need something - encouragement, food, a phone call - it always arrives. Thanks God!

4. My mom is amazing. Not only does she come here and take care of us, but she enjoys it. And, she always makes sure there are flowers on my table.

5. I feel sorry for Paul. We are really in this together as never before, only he is alone. I am no longer capable of having a high level discussion about anything, except maybe that weird bump on my arm, for more than about ten minutes. Then my mind is off and running. I have no focus, no concentration. This is especially difficult when discussing the most fascinating topic in the world... insurance! (Love you very much dear.)

6. Finally, you dear blog readers. I know you are there because I have put a counter on the blog. Sneaky, I know. Some of you have told me you are reading it. Thank you very much. As for the rest of you, I would appreciate if you would let me know you are out there so I no longer feel as if I am writing to the abyss. Comment, e-mail, whatever. Just let me know you are there. Sort of a virtual way to let me feel your love and support. Thanks!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen in temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
(Thanks for sharing Diane!)

Ick

After the best chemo Saturday ever, I had the worst Sunday. For the first time, I started throwing up and feeling unbearably nauseous. This was new and completely frustrating. I spent most of the day Sunday curled into some version of fetal position just to ease my aching gut. Strangely, the thing that really seems to ease my symptoms is to eat. Taking the first bite of anything when you are nauseous is fabulously hard to do. The nausea lessened, but continued for most of the day on Monday. It seems to be a little better today.

Due to the nausea, I had to miss my Bible Study meeting on Monday morning. This was the first time I had to skip something I was committed to because I was just too sick and unable to go. So there I was sick, depressed and mad. I woke up Monday sicking out my lip and shaking my fist at God. This was actually the first time since I have had cancer that I have been truly mad at God. I was angry and really didn't want to get over it.

Right now I have to tell you that if you don't have one or two (or twenty) friends who will look you in the eye, tell you they are sorry for you, and then directly and immediately tell you to quit focusing on your own self and point your gaze back to God, you need to get some. Tomorrow you might need them. My women called, my women e-mailed. I bristled at it. I didn't really want to hear it. But, it went in. By Monday evening, I was no longer mad and shaking my fist. My heart was right and I was again in the position of feeling grateful to God for what He gives to me. I am assured that He has a purpose for everything in my life, even keeping me home on a Monday morning with a stomach ache.

This week my plan is to rest and heal (Yes, Mom I listened!). Mom has taken the boys home with her for the week. You should have seen the huge grins on their faces this morning as they headed for the airport. The only possible way to improve their trip would be if they could have packed the dog in their suitcase to go with them. I am certain that in the minds of my boys heaven is an exact replica of Mom and Dad's farm in Missouri.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and your prayers.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time." Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

Encouragment

Chemo went pretty well yesterday. It is an odd feeling to walk into the doctor's office feeling good and walk out feeling groggy, nauseous and generally just bad. Isn't that supposed to to be the other way around? The doctor is supposed to make you feel better, right?

We got there yesterday and had an extraordinarily long wait to see the doctor (2 1/2 hours). I am generally pretty patient until about an hour after my appointment time. Paul is a very good man to sit there and put up with me while I get impatient and antsy. My sweet friend Beverly came to the office to drop off some goodies and stayed to chat and pray with me for few minutes. Thanks, Beverly. That made the end of the wait time go much faster so I was not crabby and antsy when the it was finally our turn to see the doctor.

Once we finally saw the doctor, it was a very encouraging visit. I only have to do this kind of chemo one more time (October 16). Starting in November, I will switch to a new drug that is administered every week for 12 weeks. According to the doctor, and verified by chemo nurse, the next kind will be a "snap". The nurse said I could expect to sleep the day of chemo and then wake up the next day and be fine. Let's all pray they are right.

Also every time before, when I had chemo I was given a steroid that kept me awake and slightly wired most of the weekend. When I informed the doctor about this, he removed the steroid from my package of drugs. I was almost giddy with the news and very much looking forward to sleeping this weekend. What I didn't realize was that the choice was to be wired all of the time, or to be sleepy all of the time. Still, I think I prefer being able to rest peacefully now since I really need it, even if it means dozing off in the middle of a conversation.

Today I was also encouraged by an attitude adjustment I receive via Mom and my friend Elissa. Elissa asked how I was doing today and I responded I felt like I had been run over by a truck. She said, "Better to feel like you were run over by an truck than to actually be run over by a truck." Good point, I hadn't actually thought of it that way before. Then Mom said, "I guess that is a lesson in being thankful in all circumstances." Yes, it is. Thanks for pointing it out ladies. Today as I am sitting here with all sleepy and achy with a belly ache, I am repeatedly thinking how thankful I am that I did not really get hit by a truck.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Here We Go Again

This week was much better than last. On Sunday, I woke up feeling pretty good and that has continued for most of the week. Thank you all of you who called and sent notes and beautiful flowers this week. I really needed the boost.

Chemo tomorrow again...sigh. I realized today that I am half way through my first set of chemo. The first 12 weeks is one kind and the second 12 weeks is a different kind. Saying half way through the first part is a lot less depressing than saying, "Two down, 14 to go!" This way at least I feel like I have accomplished something.

I am feeling pretty good tonight. I can kind of ignore the whole chemo thing looming ahead until we finish school on Thursday. Then, I start getting pretty anxious. Sort of like getting tight the night before a big game. I start running around in a flurry of activity trying to get everything done and not thinking about tomorrow.

The good news about tonight is that right now I am very calm. No, not because I am up past any self-respecting chemo girl's bedtime. I am calm because I had the opportunity to have two incredible women pray with me tonight, one on the phone and one at my kitchen table. I feel like my whole day tomorrow, every detail, has been covered in prayer and it is now in God's very capable hands.

Surprisingly, the most difficult thing for me right now is not the anticipation of the pain (there is a little) or discomfort. The most difficult thing for me to deal with is the knowledge that I will pretty much check out of life for the next 2-3 days and only be functional part of the time for a few days after that. I just don't want to miss any part of my life and it pains me to know that this weekend I will sit in a chair and watch the world go by most of the time. This is a reminder to me that I should be careful to use the rest of my time very wisely because it is a precious gift that can be taken away. I guess that is a reminder for all of you too.

On that note, good night. Much love, Cara

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Tough Week

I entered this week hopeful that I would have a great, energetic week like the last time I had chemo. It was just not to be. Maybe I was trying to do too much, but I spent the week just being tired. The best comparison I can make to this how you feel after you bring a new baby home. You immediately become sleep deprived and tired all of the time, but you just keep on going even though you feel gross. That exactly describes my condition right now. I am not sure if it is caused by the surging hormones or by the cumulative toxicity of the chemo catching me, but either way it stinks.


I had another strange thing happen this week. I started feeling dizzy and like I was going to pass out at strange times. At the urging of my wise friend, I called the doctor. He was completely unconcerned about this and prescribed me some medicine to stabilize my inner ear. Right now you are thinking inner ear, huh? Yep, I guess this is not uncommon especially among women. Apparently, there are hair follicles in there. All of my hair follicles are irritated by the chemo, but when the set in the inner ear gets irrigated, it causes trouble with balance and dizziness. Another who knew?


I am hopeful now the mystery dizziness is solved that maybe my hormones will calm down and I can have a good week to come. I have chemo again next Friday. Mom will come back on Wednesday (hooray!) and then take the kids back to Missouri with her the following week. They are ready for a little vacation from their crabby mom and maybe I can catch up on my sleep with them gone. Really think that will happen???


I am so thankful we are homeschooling right now. It is really hard for me to keep up with the kids, but it also gives me a reason to slither out of bed in the morning. Also, since they are not in school, they are not bringing me home all kinds of germs every day. We do most of our work in the morning, and since they don't have homework, in the evening when I am really tired we don't have to argue about homework - oh, I mean I don't have to gently request of my children to obediently sit down and do their homework. In addition, we have the flexibly to send them to Grandma and Grandpa's for a week to give us all a break from the intensity of our life.

We hope all of you are having and great week and you fellow Texans are enjoying this amazing weather. Love to you all.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.' " Jeremiah 29:11-12

Roller Coaster

First, we had a bit a personal tragedy this weekend. Ben's pet leopard gecko, James Bond, passed away. I have to commend my husband. He planned and executed a very nice funeral service for Ben's beloved lizard. This was really a big event for the kids; James was the first pet they were attached to that has died. Also, it brought all kinds of emotions and fears about death and sickness to the surface for them. They handled it pretty well and even discussed the merits of lizards in heaven with each other. God made lizards here, so why wouldn't He have them in heaven?

I have had a bit of rough week. On Wednesday after my chemo I woke up feeling fine, as I expected. What I didn't expect was to walk full force into menopause that same day. Mood swings, hot flashes, anger, insomnia, I have it all. The only thing to do right now is ride it out, as medication to replace hormones that we are trying to suppress to kill cancer is clearly not an option. Right now you should stop and pray for my family. Just kidding.

Putting a name and face on the monster really helped and I am better able to deal with it now that I recognize what my problem actually is. However, last week I was a mess. I was generally unable to just deal with my life for a few days. Any little thing sent me spiraling over the edge. A couple of things help me through the week. Mom preformed like a champion. She stepped right in and took over anytime I had to walk away. She taught school, cooked, cleaned, ran the boys around, and carefully held our hands and counseled us. I don't know what we would have done with out her. (Dad you had better get used to doing you own laundry, because we love having her here.) In addition, several of my girl friends (you know who you are) pulled the ranks in tight and called, texted, prayed and called some more just to make sure I was ok and not a puddle of goo. Also, I got a couple of amazing cards and gifts in the mail that were truly touching and encouraging. I could not walk through this without all of those hands holding me up.

So this week is starting a little better. I am still HOT and still a little angry (but at least I know why). Mom is going to go home tomorrow. I am a little anxious about this. Weird, I know. I thought at this point I might be shoving her out the door, but I really want her to stay forever.

Please pray that I am able to manage things at home without Mom by my side, that the new symptoms of menopause reduce and are manageable, that I will have much patience with the kids, and they will have cooperative hearts to help me along. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can see the results of the prayers everywhere.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Chemo Round 2

Chemo today went very well. Started the day with a little hiccup when I almost passed out as they accessed my port. Thankfully, the nurse correctly identified the look on my face and quickly put my head between my knees. After that, things went beautifully. I sat for my popsicle (actually ice chips this time) and then took a huge nap. Paul even had the chance to visit with a friend of ours who was there getting a treated for something else at the same time.

I feel very good. No nausea, although I am staying out of the kitchen while there is cooking. This is going to sound weird, but I am really energized and a little groggy from the Benedryl at the same time. I think I am just excited that I don't feel gross. I have to go get my shot tomorrow, but so far it is doing its job and keeping my white blood cell count high and healthy.

All I can say about this result is Yea God! Thanks for praying.

"But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do!" Psalm 73:28

I am a Bald Girl Now

A few more thoughts about being bald.
* It no longer matters what I wear, or even if my clothes match; people are only looking at my hat.
*The wind feels weird when it hits your head.
*The skin under your hair is really soft, like baby skin and very white.
*It is surprising to touch your head and feel the temperature of your hand.
*Even if you have on a hat, everyone secretly wants a peek at your bald head.
*There is a strange wrinkle on your neck at the base of your head.
*As a bonus, my armpit hair and leg hair is falling out. No more shaving; Yeah!
My dad has added himself to the ranks of baldies in my honor. If you are keeping score that is two men, two boys, and one woman who is an honorary baldy. She made a serious offer to go bald with me, but I just couldn't let her. I love you all for standing with me in this way.

One thing I have learned in this journey is that everyone has their own gift. Each person is able to support me in their own unique way. All of this support comes together to surround me in a cocoon of love. When someone takes care of me, or goes out of their way to show me love, all I see are the hands of Jesus. This is truly the body of Christ in action.

Tomorrow is chemo number two. I am praying that it will go even better than number one. After this, it is two down, fourteen to go. I am doing pretty well. I ran around and got a lot done today to get ready for next week. I even made it until about four PM before I started to get a little anxious. Trying to pray that out too. I am trying to focus on the good things like the Popsicle and the big bag of Benadryl that will allow me to take a great nap.

Please keep praying that the chemo is effective at eradicating the cancer and only the cancer, that the side effects are minimal, and that my energy will be quickly restored. Also, please pray protection from additional illness for all of us in the house. A case of the flu could really be trouble for me now. Pray for Paul, Mom and the kids to handle the extra burden that is placed on them while I am feeling bad. Pray that God will eradicate all of our fears and we will cling ever tighter to Him. Thanks for joining us. We love you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phililppians 4:6-7

Losing It

Well I have finally lost it...not my mind, my hair. On Wednesday night I ran my hand through my hair and instead of turning up with one or two hairs in my hand, I had about twenty. And yes, I started to cry. For the better part of this week I had been perking right along pretending everything was normal, but here it was right in my face the ugly cancer monster again.

I had foolishly imagined losing my hair would take a few days, but by Thursday morning my hair was down to about half volume. There were no chunks missing; it was just much thinner. When I got out of bed, Paul commented that I looked like I had been wrestling with a cat. It was just raining hair all over the place. Very gross and messy.

I wondered if the kids would freak out a little about my losing my hair. I had just finished showering when Andrew wandered down and into my bedroom. As gently as possible, I told him I was losing my hair and pointed to the shower where a good sized pile of hair that strongly resembled a dead squirrel lay. He said, "Wait a minute, I have to show that to Ben." After Ben made the appropriate gagging noises, I decided they were all right with it.

On Thursday, I went over to my friends' house and got a haircut on their back porch. I now have much the same haircut as a boy with a buzz cut, only mine gets thinner every day.
I am still shedding, but since the hair is short, it is not so annoying and messy. The boys decided to get their hair buzzed to be like mine. Check out our before and after pictures.




I always knew that Ben and I looked alike. I am shocked at how much Andrew looks like me in this picture.

Paul declined to get a buzz, pleading that at his age it might not grow back. I agree.

The boys laughed hysterically when I came home with my new do and said, " You look like a guy!" I said, "No, I look like you." They also think my head wear is hilarious. When I was trying out a scarf on my head they proclaimed that I looked like a pirate. I have to admit, I kind of did. Must be careful not to wear hoop earrings and scarf at same time to avoid further pirate comparisons.

On Friday, I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up. (Everything is healed nicely, thanks for asking.) I quizzed him about why some of the hair on my body is falling out and some is not. The answer is that fast growing hair gets attacked by the chemo, but slower growing hair does not. This means I might not lose the hair on my arms and legs - darn.

What next? I have chemo again on Friday. It is a strange feeling to know I am going to feel gross all of next weekend (a fun way to spend Labor Day) and most of next week. It is like knowing you are going to have the flu before you get it. I am trying to get organized and prepared so that school will flow smoothly the week after the chemo. Mom will be here to take care of pretty much everything else. Paul is excited about her doing the laundry. Please pray that I am able to get everything done for school and that the second chemo goes as well, or even better than the first. Also, pray the chemo is working and killing every single cancer cell in my body, not just my hair. Thanks for your love and unwavering support. Cara

"Who am I , O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18

School

We started school today. Much to my relief, it was a great day. It was Andrew's first day at home with us. Much to his surprise, his mother required learning and even a science lab on the very first day. We took the dog for a walk and practiced our Latin while we were out there. As we headed out the door Andrew said, "We can do that?" Ben and I just laughed.

Why is this fascinating info on the cancer blog? Because it has been no small source of concern for me (and some of you) as to whether I could do chemo and homeschool at the same time. It was an answered prayer and a great reassurance to me that today went so well. I am not delusional. All days will not be this easy, but it was a confidence builder to start on the right foot.

My new favorite verse paraphrase come from my friend Elissa and goes like this. I can do all things - like chemo and school at the same time - through Christ who strengths me. I am really going to need that strength, so glad I had it today.

Nap time for me. Much love, C

More Side Effects

I have had a great week. From Wednesday on, I woke up feeling almost normal and, for the most part, was able to do whatever I wanted to do. My friend Linda was here from St. Louis and we ran around and saw the sights. Sweetly, she pretended she was ready to nap too when I needed to go home and rest in the afternoons. I foolishly let myself believe I had (by the grace of God) sailed through the chemo and there would be no more effects until the next treatment.

I had been warned that my immune system was going to take a dive this weekend and I needed to be careful about being exposed to germs. No crowds, no grocery store, etc. I was ok with staying home (sort of), but was unprepared for how bad I was going to feel. Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. I took two naps and sat around most of the rest of the day. Saturday night, my body ached all over so badly that I could hardly move. Also, Saturday night, my mouth erupted into sores. These feel like little pimples all over the inside of my mouth. Thankfully, my chemo nurse sent a sample of some "magic mouthwash" home with me. The mouthwash is supposed to cure these nasty things before they become really annoying.

(Special note to my San Antonio friends - please be extra careful for us in the coming months. Don't come over at all if anyone in your house is sick. Also, stay away from Paul if you are feeling bad. Since the kids don't go to school, he is the major germ portal into our house. I have been nagging him to wash his hands, but you know how boys are. Just kidding, he is being very careful. Thanks for your help.)

My hair is still hanging in there. I had planned to have it all shaved off this weekend, but since not a single hair has fallen out, I am waiting. When it finally starts to go, my friend Kyle is going to shave it off. No, Kyle is not a flamboyant hairdresser; he is the husband of my friend Elissa. Kyle gets the job because he has a clippers and a sense of humor. Thank you my sweet friend Elmer who has already shaved his head in my honor. Elmer, I am so touched by this and praying for you too.

I am now totally obsessed with another side effect of the chemo that caught me off guard. Immediately after chemo, my eyes became red rimmed. Since Wednesday, dark circles have been growing under my eyes. However, I was unprepared for my eyelids starting to get dark too. Soon I will look like raccoon with a dark circle all the way around each eye. As a result, tomorrow morning, instead of starting school with the boys like I should be doing, I am going to go to a class about how to put on makeup for cancer girls. Not very excited about this, but want to snag some industrial strength concealer for those eyes.

I am hopeful that I will have a healthy, strong two weeks ahead until the next chemo. I do want to get started on school with the boys. I am trying not to let dread of the next chemo creep into my mind. I am working to discipline my mind to focus on the blessings and answered prayer that I see all around and not attend to the things that annoy me. This is a real struggle for me, but I want to feel my mouth filled with praise for God, not with sores.

Thank you so much for all of your help and support. I love to go to the mailbox and find the cards every day. Now I love to go in the garage and see the freezer too. Huh? The freezer. Yep, I almost cry with thankfulness when I open the freezer and see all of the meals that my neighbors and others have sent for us to pull out and enjoy when we need it. Thank you for giving us the food and your time. I cannot express how much we appreciate this. Love you all, Cara

"O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on the earth below-you who keep your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way." 1 Kings 8:23

Medical Stuff

This post is for all of you people who are fascinated with the medical process of things. If you aren't, skip it. Go do something else fun. Medical people, here goes.

First, the port. The port is a small round disk that is under my skin on my chest about half way between my shoulder and my breast on the right side. On the top of the port, just under my skin, is a rubber circle that a needle is poked into to access the port. When they are done using it and take the needle out, the rubber just seals back up. Inside, attached to the side of the port is a line that runs up over my collar bone and into one of my major veins. When the IV fluid goes in, I can feel it running over my collar bone and into my chest area. Besides the little poke to get the needle in, the port is painless when they use it and much more comfortable than in IV in the arm. The only discomfort the port causes me is when I lay on it at night. I can feel it fighting for room with my muscles under my skin. Also, I have to take a blood thinner to keep the port operating properly.

The chemo was different than I had imagined it would be. I imagined they would hook up a giant bag to the IV and I would just sit there. In fact, I had 8 different bags hooked to the IV and three different medicine pushed in by the nurse. Before and after every medicine, they ran in a bag of saline. There was a bag of anti-nausea medicine, a steroid, a bag of Benadryl and three kinds of chemo meds. One of the chemo meds was bright red and pushed into the IV by the nurse. I had to suck on a Popsicle while it was administered. The Popsicle was to constrict the blood vessels in my mouth to keep the chemo meds from getting to the lining of my mouth and causing mouth sores. This medicine also made my pee an amazing shade of pink. The other two chemo meds were just boring bags that hung from the pole. I will have this treatment three more times, each will be three weeks apart.

The nurse warned us that this weekend, my immune system would be at its lowest point. I need to be careful about the food that I eat and the germs I am exposed to. Paul has already decreed house arrest for me, but we will see about that. At any rate, I will be careful about what I do. The doctor gave me an immunity boosting shot, so I should be ok.

Ever since I had the chemo, I have felt like my tongue was wearing a sweater. I would very much like to brush my teeth to get the fur feeling away. However, my toothpaste has started to make me gag. The aftertaste of the Crest toothpaste I have been using is just too sweet. So, if you have a great toothpaste that is really minty and not sweet, please let me know. I really, really don't like the fur on my tongue.

I feel another nap coming on. Going to go slither into bad. Love, Cara

"This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.' " 2 Chronicles 20:15

One more thing

Paul just came home and commented that I was smiling again. This is a very good thing!!

Sitting

Someone - you know who you are!! - said I was slacking on the updates. Sorry, so sorry. I have been a little busy. Busy sleeping and sitting and laying on the floor- really important stuff. The word that best describes me today is puny. I am ok, but just want to sit around and not do much else.

Mom and Dad left for Missouri today with the boys. (I am so happy that they are getting to enjoy a few days of really fun summer.) Then, I had lots of visitors this morning (thanks girls). After that, I took a giant nap. That seems to be my new normal- a good morning, big nap, puny afternoon, and then a little rally in the evening. This schedule will work ok for me. If I feel this way, I should be able to get in school and deal with the boys pretty effectively, even if I have to sleep for part of the afternoon. Funny, that sentence sounds like I actually have a choice about when I feel good or bad.

I am constantly pulling on my hair now. I am anticipating the inevitable falling out. I think I will feel much better when it is just gone. The nurse told me I should not even look for it to begin to grow back until about 6 months after treatment. Yep, that's next summer. Think of all the money we will save on hair spray and conditioner!

The only other side effect that is really bothering me is my new sensitivity to the sun. I love to be outside and now have to be very cautious about getting a sunburn. The nurse told me not to go outside without long sleeves and sunblock on. I kind of brushed her off and told her that I stayed in the shade. Ooops, she was right. I got a little burn on my chest yesterday from about 30 minutes in my pool in the shade. Therefore, I am a little nervous about going outside at all in this Texas sun for even a few minutes.

For the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with God's provision and protection of me. I know that this whole experience could have been much, much worse. I am up and walking around and the many, many side effects have been minimal. I have been warned that the second chemo can sometimes hit you harder, so I will be praying against that. In addition, I am still amazed (mostly I think because I am a slow learner), that God prompts one of you to send a note, call or come over at just the right time. Today I got the mail and there were four cards, but I needed every one. Each one spoke to me and help me in just the right way. Thanks for sending them.

Time to go back to my important job of sitting around. Love, Cara

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Chemo Day 2

Don't you love Andrew? He is so optimistic about how things have turned out. Yes, the chemo went as good as we could have possibly hoped. Yesterday, I felt like I had the second or third day of the flu. Achy, sour stomach, but no throwing up. I was also very groggy from the giant bag of Benadryl they fed in to my IV. Benadryl, who knew? Today, my stomach is tender and I am very, very tired. I am measurably better than yesterday. This morning, I got a shot to boost my immunity and the nurse informed me that a possible side effect was bone pain. So far so good, so we are praying that no pain shows up. Too tired to write more. Thanks for the love and prayers. Cara

Chemo turnout

Mom came home and she is feeling fine. We are cautiously optimistic and are excited to know that it turned out well. I was expecting her to be much, much worse than she is. I am very glad of that.

Thanks for the prayers,
Andrew

Chemo...

Well, tomorrow is the day. The next phase to kill the cancer once and for all begins tomorrow. We have to go in, see the doctor, get blood tests, and then the actual chemo treatment will take three hours to administer. Paul and I haven't see each other all week, so this will give us a chance to catch up. Mom and Dad are here to stay with the kids.


Tonight, mom took me shopping for fabric to make some headwear that will match my clothes and some that just makes me laugh. I was a little freaked out at first, but now feel relived that I have something to put on immediately when I need it. She did some really good "mommying" tonight because I was uncertain and she insisted.


Thank for all of the calls and the prayers. We really appreciate every one. I have a new set of prayer requests for my chemo.

Please pray that God will direct the medicine to kill every single cancer cell in my body.
*That the chemo will only kill cancer cells and leave the good cells alone.
*That the side effects and the fatigue will be minimal.
*That we will have the help and support we need.
*That I will have loving and skill doctors and nurses.
*That the spirit of fear will be completely removed from all of us, including Paul, me, kids, Mom, Dad and Chris (my brother).
*That the kids will willingly assist with activities around the house.
*That God will be honored by everything we do and His glory will shine though us.
Thank you so much for loving us and joining us in prayer.


"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, you received the Spirit of sonship." Romans 8:15

Letting Go

Having cancer has made me have to let go of a number of things in my life.

*Modesty and self consciousness - lots of medical people poking and prodding, my husband's work colleagues discussing my breasts with him, laying unclothed on the bed while my friends change my bandages.

*Vanity -my boob has a giant scar, I am soon to loose all of my hair. I don't think I was vain before, but I wonder how will I feel when I look in the mirror and see a bald girl.

*Self-reliance - learning to ask for help a lot. This is harder than you think it would be.

*My energy and health -until now, my cancer has not made me sick. On Friday, I will let the doctor give me drugs that will make me sick to cure me. Because of my surgeries, I have already had to stop running around with the kids quite so much. Remember the beach? I wanted to be in a waves too. I am learning to stand back and watch more. I am sitting more and searching for ways to conserve my energy.

*Privacy - I am a pretty private person, but you are reading my blog and peering intimately into my struggle, my marriage, my growth.

With the exception of my health (which would have eventually been taken by the cancer anyway), these are not necessarily bad things give up, but today's world makes us all want some of these things very badly. I am trying to let these things go without a fight. I know I don't need them and I'll be better without them. In the end, I believe it will be a great blessing to lighten my load and be able to walk through my life without these hunks of baggage on my back.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

(Andrew and I know a catchy song for this verse, we sing it often. Ask me, I'll teach it to you!)

Weekend

We have a great weekend filled with friends, family and fun.

To the State Farm Folks - It was so good to see so many of you on Thursday night. Thanks for your words of love and encouragement.

To the Mansfield Girls - what an amazing gift to get to visit with you. Thanks for letting me crash your party. I really miss you. Come visit!

We spent the rest of the weekend with our cousins the Harberts from California. We had an incredible time just doing nothing together. As a bonus, we got to bring Ross home with us for an extra few days. We are all enjoying his company.

Now, about the chemo. Yes, it starts on Friday. My brother, Chris, called last night and he just sighed into the phone. That sigh exactly expressed how I feel. I have to do it. God put me in this position and He is going to hold my hand and take care of me the whole time.

What can you do? Come visit. Having something to look forward to really takes my mind off of counting the days until the next treatment. (Thanks, Linda, for being the excitement on next week's calendar.) Also, after this weekend, I can see that Paul really needs the distraction too. Our house will not be one bit cleaner than the cleaning ladies left it on their last visit and we will be delighted to offer you a nice glass of water. Please don't be offended if I have to sit down, go to bed early or even cancel. I still enjoyed the anticipation of you coming over.

Much love, Cara

"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk though the fire, you shall not be burned, no shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

Good Stuff

I have shared so much about the difficulty in our life, so now here is a little fun stuff too. This week we escaped to the beach for a few days. It was a great getaway for all of us. The kids played endlessly in the waves and we all had a chance to stop thinking about cancer, cancer, cancer.

One of the highlights of the trip was a fishing trip in the bay. It was easy fishing and there were lots of bites. Even with my still weak arm, I managed to be the champion of the tiny fish. I caught many, many really small fish. The boys were amazed at my fishing skill. I had to remind them once again that just because they don't see me do something (like fish) doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. We caught enough keepers that we were able to have them cleaned and enjoy them for lunch. It was quite a treat.

I will see the surgeon again tomorrow. Hopefully, he will release me to start chemo next week.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Coming Soon...

This week we visited with our new friend, the oncologist, about starting chemotherapy. He was very positive and encouraging. He was delighted with the surgical results (as we were - thank you, God). He said that if I were older, or in bad health, we might be able to stop here and assume that all of the cancer was out. However, I am young, and we want to do everything in our power to kill this cancer right now so that it never, ever returns to my body. So, on August 14, I will start six months of chemo.

For the first twelve weeks, I will go in every three weeks for a chemo cocktail called FEC. After that, I will have twelve weeks of another drug called Taxol that will be administered every week. And, yes, after this there will still be radiation.

The doctor assures us I will lose my hair about two weeks after the first treatment. It will not grow back until the chemo is over. Other than that, he indicated all other side effects would be treatable and, for the most part preventable. I am not too worried about my hair, but I am really going to miss my eyelashes.

We are incredibly blessed to have my mom ready and willing to come stay with us whenever we need her. She is going to log many, many frequent flyer miles as she travels back and forth from Missouri in the coming months. Her willingness to be here is such a gift to me. I know she will take care of everything I need to get done and take care of me as well. There is no one one you want to hold your hand and tuck you in when you are sick more than your mom.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that the treatment will be effective and the side effects will be minimal. Please especially pray that I will have enough energy to do all that I need to do, especially homeschooling and BSF. My friend Reagan asked me the other night if I could feel the prayers. The answer is YES, YES, YES. I can feel you all loving and praying for me. (Reagan & Cody loved the visit - we miss you!)

We are going to take a quick trip to the coast this week before chemo starts. We all need a little break from endless doctor visits and cancer talk. I especially need something to look forward to besides my next visit to the doctor.

You continue to flood our house with cards, calls, e-mails and gifts. Thank you so much. We appreciate every one. With love to you all, Cara

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" Job 1:21

Healing

Today I am wearing a bra!! Ok, half of you probably are wearing one too and thinking this is no big deal. Let me tell you. It is a very big deal. I put on a real (jogging) bra last night for the first time since I had surgery. I was positively giddy. It was more exciting than my first bra. My right boob that has been tagging along untethered for a week breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Everything feels good and my shoulder is coming back to life...slowly, so slowly. I am anxious for it to progress, but once again God is teaching me patience. I think I am a slow learner.

It has only been about six weeks since cancer entered our lives, but to us is feels like about three years. A lot of things that we were concerned about before just don't really matter at all to us now. For example, a couple of weeks ago our sweet puppy forgot to be sweet and chewed up the upholstery on a chair. We took one look at it, stapled an ugly paper file folder over the "wound" and there it sits. It is one of the first things you see when you enter our house. I'm sure we will get it fixed later. Right now we don't have the time or energy to care. When you have just spent the weekend, as we had, considering whether to have body parts surgically removed, or not (we chose not), a broken chair is totally insignificant. I wonder how much more stuff around our house will need to be fixed when this is all over. Not too worried about it.

Trying to take one day at a time and not to focus on a worry about what looms ahead (chemo and radiation). I my mind the treatment is 1/3 of the way complete. Hooray!!

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own." Matthew 6:34

The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful

First of all THANK YOU. Thank you for all of cards, notes, calls and gifts. We are overwhelmed by your love and generosity. Everywhere I look in the house, there are signs of the amazing love our friends and family have showered on us. We so appreciate this and thank God for all of you.

Now the good...
Yesterday, we had a great visit with the surgeon. I had the bandages and the gross tube removed. The surgeon was very positive about the surgery and my progress. Interestingly, he indicated that most likely he would present my case at an upcoming conference because it was so unusual. (I have written and presented papers before, but being the subject of one is a new thing.) We see him again in three weeks on August 7 (our 16th anniversary, what a way to celebrate!). At that time, I expect he will release me to start chemo.

We left there with the feeling that we had been given an awesome gift. Three weeks to feel normal and to heal. No lingering questions or worries, just three weeks to enjoy our life.

But then came the bad...(this story is a little gross, feel free to skip ahead)
That night, the bandage the surgeon had placed over my drain hole was soaked with fluid. This is lymph fluid - did they teach about that in your health class??? (Mr. L, did we skip that chapter?) So Paul and I decided to change the bandage. Well, as the tape came off, it really hurt and I started to cry. You can guess what happened next, Paul freaked out - just a little. Between the gross, leaking wound and me crying, he just didn't know what to do, so he started yelling (he would say speaking forcefully) at me. He was just trying to get me re-bandaged and taped up and I was crying and crying. We finally got the hole covered and the bandage taped on. When we calmed down, we just looked at each other and burst out crazy laughing. That was not our finest hour. I thought later about the wedding vows. You kind of have an understanding of richer/poorer, maybe even better/worse, but when you say sickness and health, you never, never consider that someday you will be taping up a leaking hole in your wife's armpit. I sure am glad Paul really meant it.

Now the beautiful...
The day before I had surgery my friends Marilyn and Elmer came to my house to pray with me (thank you so much). Elmer mentioned he had heard someone say that when we are worried about something, flying for example, we can pray and think of the pilot's hands being the hands of Jesus. Jesus would be in control of the plane. I spent the whole rest of that day and the next praying that all of the doctors' hands would be the hands of Jesus. Yesterday, I had the chance to read the surgeon's notes on my operation. First, he removed the place that had been marked in the biopsy. But after that, he put in his hand, felt around and located a hard spot. He removed the spot and the surrounding tissue. This spot was the primary tumor. Now, maybe any surgeon would have gone back and looked around, but I prefer to think that Jesus had a hold of his hand and help him to locate and remove the tumor. I am so grateful that God showed me how He clearly answered my prayer. Thanks for praying with me. Cara

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Old Habits

I am doing great today. Feel pretty good. The anesthesia fog has lifted. I am looking forward to getting this gross drain out of my pit. It may be a few more days, the problems that can arise from removing it too early are worse than the drain.
Paul has finally, very hesitantly, climbed back into bed with me at night. However, he is nervous about bumping my wounds, so we decided to switch sides of the bed. Turns out this is much easier to decide than to actually do. We have been married and sleeping this way for 16 years, so changing sides was much more problematic than just rearranging the nightstands. I'm sure we will get used to it, but for the time being, it just doesn't feel right. This is just one of the many ways we have to adapt to the ever changing circumstances in our life.
Love you all, Cara

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion" Psalm 103:1-4

Good News!

We received some wonderful news today from the surgeon. The piece that was removed did indeed contain a tumor that was the source of the cancer. The surgeon removed it and was able it acheive a clear margin around the tissue. No further surgery will be necessary on that sight. Also, more of the lymph nodes were removed from under my arm. None of them contained cancer. Praise God! Both of these things are clear answers to prayer. We feel a great sense of joy and relief to have crossed this hurdle.

I will see the surgeon later in the week to get the bandages removed and have this yucky drain taken out of my armpit. (If you get the chance ask Mom about the drain, she has a good story.)
As soon my port heals, in a couple of weeks, I will be able to start chemo.

So, keep praying - for healing and for peace.
- for a quick start to chemo
- for Paul as he takes over more of the household duties and for me as I
release them
- to keep my body strong and healthy
- for healing for Ben, who has a cold, and that the germs would not spread

Thank you for your love and prayers. Cara

Friday Update

It was great to see Andrew's optimism the other day. I will give some other facts from the surgical procedure on friday. The doctor removed a piece of tissue the size of a fifty cent piece. He told us that the piece had a an area of interest right where thedoctors had marked it. We will not know until we get the pathology report back later in the week. They also took all of the lymph nodes from under her under arm. The tone from the doctor was a little more optimistic than the first surgery but we will not know until the reports come back. The also installed a port under her skin for chemo therapy probably starting later this month. We are very blessed as Cara is up and
doing some things. I am thankful every day for the doctors and the care she is receiving
We will keep you updated as we get results from doctors and move toward the next step of treatment
Paul

Surgery Friday Turnout

The surgery turned out a complete sucess. Mom is O.K. and will home soon. We were all a bit worried this morning, and I'm sure you were too, but now there is nothing to worry about.
Andrew

Goodnight

Thank you for all of the calls and notes in the last few days. We appreciated them all, even if we did not get back to you. We feel blessed by the buckets of love you are dumping on our heads.

Thanks too for all the prayers. We can feel them working. We are having a peaceful family night tonight. Another answered prayer - thank you Elmer and Marilyn. Keep praying. Tomorrow is the start of my healing from this cancer.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:10

Surgery Friday

After much running around the last few days, we have scheduled my surgery firmly for Friday at 11:00. I have to go before hand for a (gulp) needle localization of the spot to be removed. This spot has not yet been confirmed as cancerous or the source of the cancer. If fact, the biopsy was negative. However it is such a small (1cm), squishy spot, the doctors believe the biopsy may have missed and the spot still needs to be removed and examined. So I will have a partial mastectomy, all the lymph nodes removed from the infected area under my arm and a port put into my chest.

That's the medical stuff; now the important stuff. This afternoon, the nice man who did my chest x-ray reminded me that God wants us to ask for what we need and that I should pray specifically for perfect surgery. That is my prayer request to you. Perfect, flawless, successful surgery. Also, that we will be free from fear and worry (please include my family). And that I will recover quickly so I can start chemo as soon as possible.

Thanks for caring. We appreciate the notes and calls and prayers so much. Love, Cara

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in His majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He is will drive out your enemy before you saying, "Destroy him!" Deuteronomy 33:26-27

The Next Question

I think we have answered the most asked questions about our life right now -- How are you? and How are your kids? (Thank you Andrew). The third most asked question is What are you going to do about homeschool? The answer is we are going to do it. In the fall, Wittmaier Academy for Boys will officially start 5th and 8th grade. No, none of us think this is going to be easy. In fact, I am so sad that is it not going to be all that I was hoping. However, we are commited that this is the right thing for our family. This year's school will definitely have an alternative schedule around my treatment. It may take us until NEXT August to get this school year done, but who cares. In the process, the boys are going to learn lots of really important lessons about doing hard things, loving others (you will help with that by how you show us love) and depending on God. Also, I will benefit from having them home, as well, because I will have something to focus on besides dreading my next doctor's appointment.

Stay tuned and keep praying please. We are trying to schedule my surgery for THIS Friday. More details to come... Thanks for your love and prayers, Cara

"I am the Lord God of all humanity. Nothing is too hard for me." Jeremiah 32:27

Andrew's View

This whole cancer thing was kind of crazy for me at first. It was really scary and frightening and now it still is, but it's lightened up a little. We all know that Mom will get though this and we will get through this together.
Ben and I have been spending a lot of time together lately because Mom has been at the doctor's office a lot. I'm not complaining very much. I'm worried about Mom, but I'd rather be sitting here waiting for them to come home than sitting in the doctor's office.
We are starting to know a lot about breast cancer and like my mom said, "The boys will know more about breast anatomy than they ever wanted to know." That is very true.
Andrew

Welcome Friends

I am a little uncomfortable with this whole blog thing, I tend to be on the side of less technology, more human interaction. However, we have been so marvelously blessed to have so many of you calling and asking and wondering about how we are doing that I have turned to this give you info.

First, the medical info. If you already know this, skip to the end. In February, I found a new lump in my left breast. I went to the doctor who promptly sent me in for my first mammogram. (BTW for all you young ladies - I did not find it as bad as advertised. Please go and get one soon!) The mammogram showed that my breast was clear, but there were some enlarged lymph nodes under my arm. Speculating that is was just an infection, the doctor prescribed a course of strong antibiotics. The follow-up ultrasound of the area showed that the lymph nodes were still enlarged. So, we went to see the surgeon. He was not too alarmed, but agreeed that the lymph nodes should be removed. I had this surgery on June 2. Four days later the pathology showed breast cancer in those nodes. However, the primary source of the cancer was still not identified. (Cancer can't start in lymph nodes.) We spent the next few weeks meeting with the oncologist and having all kinds of tests to check for further cancer. All of my bones and organs are clear. The cancer is localized to my left breast and lymph nodes. An MRI of my breast showed a spot in the place I originally felt it. On Thursday, I had a biopsy of the spot. Now we wait....

We meet with the surgeon again on Thursday (9th) to discuss the results of the biopsy and schedule surgery. This surgery will be to remove all of the lymph nodes from under my arm, put in a port for chemo and, depending on the results of the biopsy, give me a partial mastectomy. After that, in 2 to 4 weeks there will be chemo, then radiation, followed by long term hormone therapy.

Now the rest...Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, calls, e-mails, cards and hugs. You don't know it, but sometimes just hearing your voice on the machine or reading the card over and over is the best part of my day. I feel as if buckets and buckets of love were being poured out on my head. Sometimes I don't call back or respond, but please don't think I didn't notice or care. I really appreciated it.

What to do now... In the next few weeks we may need some help. Mom is going to come and stay as much as she can. I am trying to work it out so that she can come for surgery and take the kids back to Missouri so that they will miss the first round of chemo. I'm sure I will need someone to babysit me them. Paul has to travel a few times in August and he is already fretting about that.

Also, we love it when you hug us and ask how we are doing, but please never have a medical conversation in front of our kids. We will be happy to tell you all about it when they are not around. We have had several incidents of them getting freaked out my a random cancer conversations when they were not expecting it.

Mostly we need you to pray for us. This week especially we need prayer that the spot that was found is the source of the cancer.
Here is another partial list of our prayer requests:
That we will be free from fear and full of the peace that passes all understanding from God
That we will rest in that peace and be able to sleep
That the cancer will be healed quickly and completely
That I will have loving and wise doctors and nurses
That every day as we walk though this valley we will sense the prescence of God walking with us and that each day we will love Him more as He holds our hands.

One final thought... Andrew wanted to call the blog "Cancer Makes Us Crazy" but we decided "It's a Wonderful Life" was better. Even though I have cancer, we do feel that we are incredibly blessed and live a wonderful life surround by people we love and are loved by an amazing King who provides for us so abundantly. We are confident that we will emerge from this as stronger, better people who love God so much, and in the end, will be grateful for this experience in our life.
Love to you all, Cara