Losing It

Well I have finally lost it...not my mind, my hair. On Wednesday night I ran my hand through my hair and instead of turning up with one or two hairs in my hand, I had about twenty. And yes, I started to cry. For the better part of this week I had been perking right along pretending everything was normal, but here it was right in my face the ugly cancer monster again.

I had foolishly imagined losing my hair would take a few days, but by Thursday morning my hair was down to about half volume. There were no chunks missing; it was just much thinner. When I got out of bed, Paul commented that I looked like I had been wrestling with a cat. It was just raining hair all over the place. Very gross and messy.

I wondered if the kids would freak out a little about my losing my hair. I had just finished showering when Andrew wandered down and into my bedroom. As gently as possible, I told him I was losing my hair and pointed to the shower where a good sized pile of hair that strongly resembled a dead squirrel lay. He said, "Wait a minute, I have to show that to Ben." After Ben made the appropriate gagging noises, I decided they were all right with it.

On Thursday, I went over to my friends' house and got a haircut on their back porch. I now have much the same haircut as a boy with a buzz cut, only mine gets thinner every day.
I am still shedding, but since the hair is short, it is not so annoying and messy. The boys decided to get their hair buzzed to be like mine. Check out our before and after pictures.




I always knew that Ben and I looked alike. I am shocked at how much Andrew looks like me in this picture.

Paul declined to get a buzz, pleading that at his age it might not grow back. I agree.

The boys laughed hysterically when I came home with my new do and said, " You look like a guy!" I said, "No, I look like you." They also think my head wear is hilarious. When I was trying out a scarf on my head they proclaimed that I looked like a pirate. I have to admit, I kind of did. Must be careful not to wear hoop earrings and scarf at same time to avoid further pirate comparisons.

On Friday, I went to see my surgeon for a follow-up. (Everything is healed nicely, thanks for asking.) I quizzed him about why some of the hair on my body is falling out and some is not. The answer is that fast growing hair gets attacked by the chemo, but slower growing hair does not. This means I might not lose the hair on my arms and legs - darn.

What next? I have chemo again on Friday. It is a strange feeling to know I am going to feel gross all of next weekend (a fun way to spend Labor Day) and most of next week. It is like knowing you are going to have the flu before you get it. I am trying to get organized and prepared so that school will flow smoothly the week after the chemo. Mom will be here to take care of pretty much everything else. Paul is excited about her doing the laundry. Please pray that I am able to get everything done for school and that the second chemo goes as well, or even better than the first. Also, pray the chemo is working and killing every single cancer cell in my body, not just my hair. Thanks for your love and unwavering support. Cara

"Who am I , O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18

School

We started school today. Much to my relief, it was a great day. It was Andrew's first day at home with us. Much to his surprise, his mother required learning and even a science lab on the very first day. We took the dog for a walk and practiced our Latin while we were out there. As we headed out the door Andrew said, "We can do that?" Ben and I just laughed.

Why is this fascinating info on the cancer blog? Because it has been no small source of concern for me (and some of you) as to whether I could do chemo and homeschool at the same time. It was an answered prayer and a great reassurance to me that today went so well. I am not delusional. All days will not be this easy, but it was a confidence builder to start on the right foot.

My new favorite verse paraphrase come from my friend Elissa and goes like this. I can do all things - like chemo and school at the same time - through Christ who strengths me. I am really going to need that strength, so glad I had it today.

Nap time for me. Much love, C

More Side Effects

I have had a great week. From Wednesday on, I woke up feeling almost normal and, for the most part, was able to do whatever I wanted to do. My friend Linda was here from St. Louis and we ran around and saw the sights. Sweetly, she pretended she was ready to nap too when I needed to go home and rest in the afternoons. I foolishly let myself believe I had (by the grace of God) sailed through the chemo and there would be no more effects until the next treatment.

I had been warned that my immune system was going to take a dive this weekend and I needed to be careful about being exposed to germs. No crowds, no grocery store, etc. I was ok with staying home (sort of), but was unprepared for how bad I was going to feel. Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. I took two naps and sat around most of the rest of the day. Saturday night, my body ached all over so badly that I could hardly move. Also, Saturday night, my mouth erupted into sores. These feel like little pimples all over the inside of my mouth. Thankfully, my chemo nurse sent a sample of some "magic mouthwash" home with me. The mouthwash is supposed to cure these nasty things before they become really annoying.

(Special note to my San Antonio friends - please be extra careful for us in the coming months. Don't come over at all if anyone in your house is sick. Also, stay away from Paul if you are feeling bad. Since the kids don't go to school, he is the major germ portal into our house. I have been nagging him to wash his hands, but you know how boys are. Just kidding, he is being very careful. Thanks for your help.)

My hair is still hanging in there. I had planned to have it all shaved off this weekend, but since not a single hair has fallen out, I am waiting. When it finally starts to go, my friend Kyle is going to shave it off. No, Kyle is not a flamboyant hairdresser; he is the husband of my friend Elissa. Kyle gets the job because he has a clippers and a sense of humor. Thank you my sweet friend Elmer who has already shaved his head in my honor. Elmer, I am so touched by this and praying for you too.

I am now totally obsessed with another side effect of the chemo that caught me off guard. Immediately after chemo, my eyes became red rimmed. Since Wednesday, dark circles have been growing under my eyes. However, I was unprepared for my eyelids starting to get dark too. Soon I will look like raccoon with a dark circle all the way around each eye. As a result, tomorrow morning, instead of starting school with the boys like I should be doing, I am going to go to a class about how to put on makeup for cancer girls. Not very excited about this, but want to snag some industrial strength concealer for those eyes.

I am hopeful that I will have a healthy, strong two weeks ahead until the next chemo. I do want to get started on school with the boys. I am trying not to let dread of the next chemo creep into my mind. I am working to discipline my mind to focus on the blessings and answered prayer that I see all around and not attend to the things that annoy me. This is a real struggle for me, but I want to feel my mouth filled with praise for God, not with sores.

Thank you so much for all of your help and support. I love to go to the mailbox and find the cards every day. Now I love to go in the garage and see the freezer too. Huh? The freezer. Yep, I almost cry with thankfulness when I open the freezer and see all of the meals that my neighbors and others have sent for us to pull out and enjoy when we need it. Thank you for giving us the food and your time. I cannot express how much we appreciate this. Love you all, Cara

"O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on the earth below-you who keep your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in your way." 1 Kings 8:23

Medical Stuff

This post is for all of you people who are fascinated with the medical process of things. If you aren't, skip it. Go do something else fun. Medical people, here goes.

First, the port. The port is a small round disk that is under my skin on my chest about half way between my shoulder and my breast on the right side. On the top of the port, just under my skin, is a rubber circle that a needle is poked into to access the port. When they are done using it and take the needle out, the rubber just seals back up. Inside, attached to the side of the port is a line that runs up over my collar bone and into one of my major veins. When the IV fluid goes in, I can feel it running over my collar bone and into my chest area. Besides the little poke to get the needle in, the port is painless when they use it and much more comfortable than in IV in the arm. The only discomfort the port causes me is when I lay on it at night. I can feel it fighting for room with my muscles under my skin. Also, I have to take a blood thinner to keep the port operating properly.

The chemo was different than I had imagined it would be. I imagined they would hook up a giant bag to the IV and I would just sit there. In fact, I had 8 different bags hooked to the IV and three different medicine pushed in by the nurse. Before and after every medicine, they ran in a bag of saline. There was a bag of anti-nausea medicine, a steroid, a bag of Benadryl and three kinds of chemo meds. One of the chemo meds was bright red and pushed into the IV by the nurse. I had to suck on a Popsicle while it was administered. The Popsicle was to constrict the blood vessels in my mouth to keep the chemo meds from getting to the lining of my mouth and causing mouth sores. This medicine also made my pee an amazing shade of pink. The other two chemo meds were just boring bags that hung from the pole. I will have this treatment three more times, each will be three weeks apart.

The nurse warned us that this weekend, my immune system would be at its lowest point. I need to be careful about the food that I eat and the germs I am exposed to. Paul has already decreed house arrest for me, but we will see about that. At any rate, I will be careful about what I do. The doctor gave me an immunity boosting shot, so I should be ok.

Ever since I had the chemo, I have felt like my tongue was wearing a sweater. I would very much like to brush my teeth to get the fur feeling away. However, my toothpaste has started to make me gag. The aftertaste of the Crest toothpaste I have been using is just too sweet. So, if you have a great toothpaste that is really minty and not sweet, please let me know. I really, really don't like the fur on my tongue.

I feel another nap coming on. Going to go slither into bad. Love, Cara

"This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.' " 2 Chronicles 20:15

One more thing

Paul just came home and commented that I was smiling again. This is a very good thing!!

Sitting

Someone - you know who you are!! - said I was slacking on the updates. Sorry, so sorry. I have been a little busy. Busy sleeping and sitting and laying on the floor- really important stuff. The word that best describes me today is puny. I am ok, but just want to sit around and not do much else.

Mom and Dad left for Missouri today with the boys. (I am so happy that they are getting to enjoy a few days of really fun summer.) Then, I had lots of visitors this morning (thanks girls). After that, I took a giant nap. That seems to be my new normal- a good morning, big nap, puny afternoon, and then a little rally in the evening. This schedule will work ok for me. If I feel this way, I should be able to get in school and deal with the boys pretty effectively, even if I have to sleep for part of the afternoon. Funny, that sentence sounds like I actually have a choice about when I feel good or bad.

I am constantly pulling on my hair now. I am anticipating the inevitable falling out. I think I will feel much better when it is just gone. The nurse told me I should not even look for it to begin to grow back until about 6 months after treatment. Yep, that's next summer. Think of all the money we will save on hair spray and conditioner!

The only other side effect that is really bothering me is my new sensitivity to the sun. I love to be outside and now have to be very cautious about getting a sunburn. The nurse told me not to go outside without long sleeves and sunblock on. I kind of brushed her off and told her that I stayed in the shade. Ooops, she was right. I got a little burn on my chest yesterday from about 30 minutes in my pool in the shade. Therefore, I am a little nervous about going outside at all in this Texas sun for even a few minutes.

For the last few days, I have been overwhelmed with God's provision and protection of me. I know that this whole experience could have been much, much worse. I am up and walking around and the many, many side effects have been minimal. I have been warned that the second chemo can sometimes hit you harder, so I will be praying against that. In addition, I am still amazed (mostly I think because I am a slow learner), that God prompts one of you to send a note, call or come over at just the right time. Today I got the mail and there were four cards, but I needed every one. Each one spoke to me and help me in just the right way. Thanks for sending them.

Time to go back to my important job of sitting around. Love, Cara

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Chemo Day 2

Don't you love Andrew? He is so optimistic about how things have turned out. Yes, the chemo went as good as we could have possibly hoped. Yesterday, I felt like I had the second or third day of the flu. Achy, sour stomach, but no throwing up. I was also very groggy from the giant bag of Benadryl they fed in to my IV. Benadryl, who knew? Today, my stomach is tender and I am very, very tired. I am measurably better than yesterday. This morning, I got a shot to boost my immunity and the nurse informed me that a possible side effect was bone pain. So far so good, so we are praying that no pain shows up. Too tired to write more. Thanks for the love and prayers. Cara

Chemo turnout

Mom came home and she is feeling fine. We are cautiously optimistic and are excited to know that it turned out well. I was expecting her to be much, much worse than she is. I am very glad of that.

Thanks for the prayers,
Andrew

Chemo...

Well, tomorrow is the day. The next phase to kill the cancer once and for all begins tomorrow. We have to go in, see the doctor, get blood tests, and then the actual chemo treatment will take three hours to administer. Paul and I haven't see each other all week, so this will give us a chance to catch up. Mom and Dad are here to stay with the kids.


Tonight, mom took me shopping for fabric to make some headwear that will match my clothes and some that just makes me laugh. I was a little freaked out at first, but now feel relived that I have something to put on immediately when I need it. She did some really good "mommying" tonight because I was uncertain and she insisted.


Thank for all of the calls and the prayers. We really appreciate every one. I have a new set of prayer requests for my chemo.

Please pray that God will direct the medicine to kill every single cancer cell in my body.
*That the chemo will only kill cancer cells and leave the good cells alone.
*That the side effects and the fatigue will be minimal.
*That we will have the help and support we need.
*That I will have loving and skill doctors and nurses.
*That the spirit of fear will be completely removed from all of us, including Paul, me, kids, Mom, Dad and Chris (my brother).
*That the kids will willingly assist with activities around the house.
*That God will be honored by everything we do and His glory will shine though us.
Thank you so much for loving us and joining us in prayer.


"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, you received the Spirit of sonship." Romans 8:15

Letting Go

Having cancer has made me have to let go of a number of things in my life.

*Modesty and self consciousness - lots of medical people poking and prodding, my husband's work colleagues discussing my breasts with him, laying unclothed on the bed while my friends change my bandages.

*Vanity -my boob has a giant scar, I am soon to loose all of my hair. I don't think I was vain before, but I wonder how will I feel when I look in the mirror and see a bald girl.

*Self-reliance - learning to ask for help a lot. This is harder than you think it would be.

*My energy and health -until now, my cancer has not made me sick. On Friday, I will let the doctor give me drugs that will make me sick to cure me. Because of my surgeries, I have already had to stop running around with the kids quite so much. Remember the beach? I wanted to be in a waves too. I am learning to stand back and watch more. I am sitting more and searching for ways to conserve my energy.

*Privacy - I am a pretty private person, but you are reading my blog and peering intimately into my struggle, my marriage, my growth.

With the exception of my health (which would have eventually been taken by the cancer anyway), these are not necessarily bad things give up, but today's world makes us all want some of these things very badly. I am trying to let these things go without a fight. I know I don't need them and I'll be better without them. In the end, I believe it will be a great blessing to lighten my load and be able to walk through my life without these hunks of baggage on my back.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

(Andrew and I know a catchy song for this verse, we sing it often. Ask me, I'll teach it to you!)

Weekend

We have a great weekend filled with friends, family and fun.

To the State Farm Folks - It was so good to see so many of you on Thursday night. Thanks for your words of love and encouragement.

To the Mansfield Girls - what an amazing gift to get to visit with you. Thanks for letting me crash your party. I really miss you. Come visit!

We spent the rest of the weekend with our cousins the Harberts from California. We had an incredible time just doing nothing together. As a bonus, we got to bring Ross home with us for an extra few days. We are all enjoying his company.

Now, about the chemo. Yes, it starts on Friday. My brother, Chris, called last night and he just sighed into the phone. That sigh exactly expressed how I feel. I have to do it. God put me in this position and He is going to hold my hand and take care of me the whole time.

What can you do? Come visit. Having something to look forward to really takes my mind off of counting the days until the next treatment. (Thanks, Linda, for being the excitement on next week's calendar.) Also, after this weekend, I can see that Paul really needs the distraction too. Our house will not be one bit cleaner than the cleaning ladies left it on their last visit and we will be delighted to offer you a nice glass of water. Please don't be offended if I have to sit down, go to bed early or even cancel. I still enjoyed the anticipation of you coming over.

Much love, Cara

"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk though the fire, you shall not be burned, no shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

Good Stuff

I have shared so much about the difficulty in our life, so now here is a little fun stuff too. This week we escaped to the beach for a few days. It was a great getaway for all of us. The kids played endlessly in the waves and we all had a chance to stop thinking about cancer, cancer, cancer.

One of the highlights of the trip was a fishing trip in the bay. It was easy fishing and there were lots of bites. Even with my still weak arm, I managed to be the champion of the tiny fish. I caught many, many really small fish. The boys were amazed at my fishing skill. I had to remind them once again that just because they don't see me do something (like fish) doesn't mean I don't know how to do it. We caught enough keepers that we were able to have them cleaned and enjoy them for lunch. It was quite a treat.

I will see the surgeon again tomorrow. Hopefully, he will release me to start chemo next week.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Coming Soon...

This week we visited with our new friend, the oncologist, about starting chemotherapy. He was very positive and encouraging. He was delighted with the surgical results (as we were - thank you, God). He said that if I were older, or in bad health, we might be able to stop here and assume that all of the cancer was out. However, I am young, and we want to do everything in our power to kill this cancer right now so that it never, ever returns to my body. So, on August 14, I will start six months of chemo.

For the first twelve weeks, I will go in every three weeks for a chemo cocktail called FEC. After that, I will have twelve weeks of another drug called Taxol that will be administered every week. And, yes, after this there will still be radiation.

The doctor assures us I will lose my hair about two weeks after the first treatment. It will not grow back until the chemo is over. Other than that, he indicated all other side effects would be treatable and, for the most part preventable. I am not too worried about my hair, but I am really going to miss my eyelashes.

We are incredibly blessed to have my mom ready and willing to come stay with us whenever we need her. She is going to log many, many frequent flyer miles as she travels back and forth from Missouri in the coming months. Her willingness to be here is such a gift to me. I know she will take care of everything I need to get done and take care of me as well. There is no one one you want to hold your hand and tuck you in when you are sick more than your mom.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that the treatment will be effective and the side effects will be minimal. Please especially pray that I will have enough energy to do all that I need to do, especially homeschooling and BSF. My friend Reagan asked me the other night if I could feel the prayers. The answer is YES, YES, YES. I can feel you all loving and praying for me. (Reagan & Cody loved the visit - we miss you!)

We are going to take a quick trip to the coast this week before chemo starts. We all need a little break from endless doctor visits and cancer talk. I especially need something to look forward to besides my next visit to the doctor.

You continue to flood our house with cards, calls, e-mails and gifts. Thank you so much. We appreciate every one. With love to you all, Cara

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" Job 1:21