Adaptation

I am slowly but surely adapting to being a cancer patient. I have noticed a few changes in my behavior over the last few weeks. Although these things seem to be necessary for me to cope, I am not thrilled to find myself in this position. Here are several things I now do as a matter of habit:

1. I no longer look people in the eye when I am out on public. Not the sales clerk, not the waitress, not anybody. It is easier to look past them than to watch every single person check out my head and the give me "the look". A side note, some sweet people go past the look, complement me on my scarf and then ask how I am doing. This is a good thing to do for a cancer patient, much better than staring.

2. I have now arranged my schedule to include a nap every day. This is not a short lay down on the couch, but a two hour commitment. This is not an option. I need this nap to make it through the day. When I feel tired, I have to lay down. Mom says I give new meaning to the word "crash".

3. I find myself approaching my life with caution, hesitancy. I hate this one. I love to go at everything full force and with gusto. Right now, I step carefully and delicately to make sure I can make it through the day.

4. I can't do one of my favorite things anymore, read. I used to devour books constantly. Now I just don't have enough concentration and focus to follow the plot. Major frustrating. Also frustrating are the other verbal problems I am having including expressing myself, thinking of words (the other day I forgot cookie jar) and using correct grammar.

As I am sure you can tell by reading this, I am starting to battle a little bit of depression as well. Half way though the treatment does not seem to be far enough for me. I am anxious about what the next set of chemo will hold for me and how I will cope with it. I am also unhappy that I have adapted to the cancer. I want to have a strong, vibrant life and right now it is just not possible. I feel as if all I can do is endure and wait for things to get back to normal.

So what now? Pray for joy. Pray that I have peace about the days ahead. Pray for much patience for my husband who has to deal with a consistently crabby wife. Keep showering us with love; we need it so much.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooter and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" Ephesians 3:16-18