I'll bet some of you thought because of the long silence and now that the treatment was over I was not going to write anymore. Wrong. I have just been busy, tired, overwhelmed, and had my kids writing reports (which is a serious hampering to blogging).
I have now been out of treatment a little over two weeks. These two weeks have been in a word - hard. Really hard. Shockingly hard. I think I expected that after I stopped getting treatment I would magically get better. Nope, I got worse. Also, I seem to have lost my purpose and focus. I was so focused on getting through the treatment and finishing. Now I am standing here, sick and wrecked, and thinking now what? How do I life my life? I can't even find my life. Also, the big security blanket of doctors and nurses and constant attention was yanked away from me. They left me out here on my own. On top of that, I started the new long term drug, Tamoxifen, which has been playing havoc with my body and hormones. I hope it is playing havoc with my hormones. If it is not the Tamoxifen, then I have completely lost my mind. And finally, since the treatment is done, people, including my husband (sorry dear), have start expecting more of me. But wait, I am still sick! Just now I don't seem to have an excuse. All of these things have combined to make me exhausted, discouraged, very cranky, and weepy. I feel as if depression is knocking at the back door, but I am definitely not opening that one even an inch. I desperately want to throw myself on God and depend on Him to take all of this away. And I am trying, really trying. But even this dependence requires a daily, hourly, minutely (is that a word?) focus and I am failing at it so often. I feel as if I fight this battle on all of these fronts every day and there is just no relief in sight.
I can't just leave you with the bad stuff...I do have good days. I am getting stronger, inch by inch. My head is clearing. My skin is healing. I am manging to have successful days at school with the kids most days. These are tiny life rafts that keep me afloat in the rough sea.
"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and bloom...and the ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them and sorrow and sighing will flee away." Isaiah 35:1,10
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Cara,
ReplyDeletePeople seem to have a short attention spam for things that make them sad, frightened, and anxious. I remember thinking after several of the country's worst moments, it seemed to take our nation only a few weeks to forget or at least give the appearance of putting these events into the back of our minds and moving on to other things. Maybe it is because humans can't or won't accept the constant state of fear and worry.
I know that you have a very supportive family, but they don't live in your body and understand all that you are still experiencing. Your blog is helping others going through your situation. I know because I shared the site with a friend and she has told me it feels better just knowing others that are experiencing the same thing. Including the concerns about what happens next.
You are in my prayers and thoughts. God has brought you this far, so I think it is a good assumption that He will get you through this next stage, as well. God bless you!