Grumpy

This afternoon I will have my eighth radiation treatment. Eight down, twenty-six to go. The major side effect of the radiation so far is grumpiness. I am in a constant state of irritation about it, so when anything else even moderately upsets me, I am prone to fall off the cliff of anger. Praying to stop being irrigated and to handle myself much better.

Why am I so irritated? Well, the skin on the whole left quadrant of my chest from my neck to under my breast, wrapping around to the middle of my back, is very sensitive most of the time hurting like it has a sunburn. I can't wear a bra at all. Sounds good for about a day, but how about not wearing a bra until May? I can only sleep in one position so that I don't lay on any of the sensitive skin. However, this position puts me directly on top of my port and that hurts too. Also, going to radiation every day feel like a job. A very short, easy job, but a job nonetheless. A job that has to be followed up by a two hour nap, or I can't make it through the rest of the evening. See why I am grumpy? The up side is that although I am generally in a foul mood, I am much better than I was before. Paul says that he would take me crabby like this for the rest of my life over the way I was for the last few months. (That brings tears to my eyes, I was really, really sick.)

I guess the real reason I am crabby is that every one keeps saying (and I had started to believe too) that the worst is over. I thought it would be smooth sailing, no more struggling, no more fighting from here on out. Wrong, wrong. I still have to manage my body and my energy very carefully. I am very far from returning to my normal life. My body reminded me clearly of that last night when at seven o'clock I suddenly became so tired I was non-functional. I call that scary tired. Yes,I went to bed, but not before a thread of fear sneaked into bed with me. Turns out the fear is my sin habit, whenever things start to not go the way I want fear come knocking at my door. Last night I cried and cried because I was exhausted like I felt during chemo and I was afraid of feeling like that again. I do trust God to take care of me, but I also am aware that sometimes, for His purpose, He will let us suffer. I am frankly scared of that suffering. Praying so hard for God to remove that fear from my heart, to help me trust Him more, and for Him to remove the tired from my body.

Not to leave you with a complete sob story, here is another interesting side effect of the radiation. The doctor had said the breast that is being radiated would being to perk up and eventually look like a "fifteen year old boob". OK, I didn't buy that really. But, it is starting to happen. The radiation is making that boob get tighter and, yes, perkier. The only problem is that the condition of bralessness is making the other boob go the opposite direction. So when I am finished with the radiation, I will have one scarred, but perky boob and one flawless, but saggy boob. What I am wondering is...do they make a bra for that?

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord,'He is my refuge and fortress, my God in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2