Who's the Boss?

The other day someone asked me if I would give back the cancer if I had to give back all of the spiritual growth that has gone along with it. I knew what the "right" answer was, but it took me a while to process what the real answer was. The real answer is YES, YES, YES! I would give back all of the pain, all of the pokes with needles into my chest, all of days spent in bed. I would give back the painful, ugly scars. I would give back all of the clinical looks my husband gave me when he was trying to assess my condition. I would give back the terror in his eyes when I told him something else was wrong with me. I would give back all of the times I have had to hear my kids use the word breast in a sentence like it was normal dinner conversation. I would give back every single evening that I sat down to watch TV, not because I wanted to, but because I had to because I simply couldn't stand up for one more minute. All of it, I would like to give it back, even if it means forfeiting all of the good things that have come along with the bad. I am aware that in a little while, when I am no longer hurt and wounded from the battle, and I have a little time and perspective, my answer is probably going to be different. I will not see the pain and I will see the rewards that have come from my (our) endurance. Intellectually, I understand that, but emotionally, I wish it had never happened.

Now here's that kicker, that really doesn't matter. I can want to give to back, but I can't. God is a sovereign God. He is sovereign over every aspect of my life. I don't pick and choose what happens to me; He does. Me saying, "No, thanks" to the cancer is like my kids saying, "No, thanks" to math. They don't like it and sometimes complain about doing it, but they have to do it. I know that in the big picture of their life they really are going to have to know how to manage fractions and understand word problems. To give back the math and skip it would handicap them in the future, so even though they don't like it, I make them do it. Every day. But I help them when they need it and I patiently (most days) explain why they need to learn it. This is the same thing that God does for me. He allowed me to have cancer. I don't want it. But He know what He is doing and one day He will patiently explain to me why I need to go through this right now. Like my kids, I would give it back if I had the chance, but I depend on my Sovereign God to be much wiser than me and to know what He is doing.

The Lord said to Job: "Where were you when I laid the earth's the foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimension? Surely you know! Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from its womb?" Job 38:4,8